So, I was born into lies and a lack of love. I still to this day don’t know why my grandparents took me in. Was it a strange form of love? Obligation? A malevolent desire? I’ll never know. What I do know is that grandma didn’t love me.
I don’t know if she was incapable or just didn’t want to. I learned over the years that she had a pretty rough life herself. Meeting her mother was enough to make a person understand all the rage in her, but not enough to make me understand why she took it all out on me. She wasn’t a great mother to her own kids, but she was evil personified to me.
I’ll get into specifics later, but in overview, she was abusive and horrible. I was a burden and something to be abused. Münchausen syndrome by proxy was a way of life. She was a hypochondriac and serial abuser. This is the woman who raised me. I recommend looking at the definition there on Wikipedia and doing more research after. This is a horrible condition, and everyone needs to know to look for it in themselves and in others. She could have destroyed my life with that, and she almost did. I thank the Higher Power that I had the strength to live through it and the intelligence to come to understand.
So, being told I was sick, stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, useless, burdensome and a born whore were common. As a female I was so much worse. And I will get into details about that. It’s pretty frelled up. (And yes, I’m going to try to censor my swearing, even though a lot of these memories make me very angry.) So suffice it to say I never knew love as a child. I didn’t understand love for a long time. She warped my ideas of love, families, health and so much more.
Grandpa was… furniture? No, he was a paycheck. He was an abuser (supposedly) and alcoholic who became the abused. I honestly remember almost nothing of him until I was in like 5th or 6th grade. So I would have been around 10? I have a hard time remembering. Prior to that though, I have very few memories of him. I’m not sure why. Eventually I’ll talk about him more. He had his good moments, even though he was both an abuser and a victim himself.