Earlier today I got this idea in my head about going back to Bubblews. It was weird, and I have no real idea what put it there. Out of the blue though, I emailed the owner and asked if he could zero out my account so that I could have a fresh start. There were all sorts of things rolling around in my head as I wondered why the heck I did something like that.
Just a bit ago I was talking to Eric about it and trying to sort it out. I think the reason Bubblews came back into my head was because I miss the freedom that I had there. I could post anything, no matter what it was, and it didn’t matter. Long or short, brilliant or off-the-wall, there were no limits or boundaries. It was someone else’s site and I didn’t have a care in the world. On the blog though, I’ve always had this ideal vision of what it should be, and I don’t write a lot of things because I don’t think they belong.
Now I know that a while back I said I was going to let go and write whatever, and I did loosen my standards a bit, but I was still holding on to a certain level of writing and even though I didn’t realize it, still trying to hold on to certain topics. I never let myself be as free as I wanted to be. I guess some things are just tougher than you think they’ll be.
I don’t think I really want to be back at Bubblews, and honestly when I think about it, it feels like more annoyance than it’s worth. What I want is to be able to do whatever I want, just dancing and drifting from one thing to the other with no limits. Not just with the blog either, I want that for my whole life. I’ve gotten back into doing the crafting thing, and I love that, but I want to write too, and do art, and do whatever. I want my whole life to just be free and flexible.
I guess I’ve lived such a rigid life and had my head filled with so many stupid so-called rules that it’s far easier to fall into the little boxes than to break out and live the way I really want to. I need to keep working on that. I need to accept and embrace a life and a career that’s fluid and doesn’t have those annoying limitations that make me so unhappy.
Yeah, I realize that being a writer and a poet and an artist and an artisan is a lot of stuff, and that not having a niche is all “bad” and shit, but I want to be happy, and I’m at my happiest when I’m just drifting from one thing to another whenever I feel like it and not really caring. I need to do whatever I can to make that happen. It’ll be a little (or a lot) confusing for other people, but if I’m happy, I bet people will just come along for the ride.
So I’m going to try (again) to loosen up and just have a good time. I actually want to write about the crafting and stuff that I’ve done and am doing. I also want to write weird creative stuff, and self-help, and rants, and whatever. I guess I need to have the confidence in myself to believe that if it makes me happy, other people will like it too. Sure, they’ll never know what I’m going to post from one day to the next, but hey, that’s what categories and archives are for. If they don’t want certain content, they can just look for the stuff they do want.
So here’s to freedom and happiness and drifting and being totally fucking weird!